Barzani: "Still Not Enthusiastic About the Flag"

Erbil, Iraqi Kurdistan: In an exclusive statement to Pivazistan's Erbil correspondent Massoud Barzani, the President of the Kurdistan Regional Government stated that the new Iraqi flag is slightly better than the last one, but added "I am still not enthusiastic about it."

The Iraqi flag was recently changed by a parliamentary bill in Baghdad. The new flag is rid of the three stars, something that reminded Barzani of Syria and Egypt, two countries that the Kurds view as "Arab countries." The new Iraqi flag which has the Arabic words of "Allahu Akbar" written in the Kufi style flies over the skies of Kurdistan but nobody in Kurdistan takes it seriously.

BN00067

McCain and Obama: "We Do Not Want the Arab Vote"

AMERICA FOTES
2008

Michigan, USA: In separate statements issued by the campaigns of both John McCain and Barack Obama, the two candidates expressed their rejection for the Arab-American votes. While the Obama statement was at least diplomatic in that it expressed dislike for communal or "collective" voting, Senator McCain went all out and stated this:

We ask Arabs and Muslims to vote for Obama, that way they'll know that they do not matter.

James Zogby of the Arab American Institute was not contacted by Pivazistan for commentary on this issue.

BN00066

Honor Killings Reduce in Oman by 2% from 2007

Masqat, Oman: Officials at the Omani government welcomed a recent report released by the United Nations which shows that there has been a 2% decrease in the number of honor killings in the small oil rich state of Oman. While the officials could not explain the reasons for the decrease with one minister saying, "it even surprised us."

Pivazistan contacted Sultan Qabus who also serves as the acting minister of all ministries in an attempt to get to the bottom of the story, the Sultan stated that he thought the girls "behaved better in 2008 than they did in 2007."

BN00065

Blog of the Week

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: Yaman's Amateur Ramblings
Blogger: Yaman Salahi
Country: USA
URL: http://www.yamansalahi.com/

BN00064

al-Maliki "We Are Ready for Kuwait"

Vatican City, State of Vatican City: During an unscheduled press conference this afternoon at the Vatican, the Iraqi Prime Minister, Nuri al-Maliki boosted about recent Iraqi military victories in Basrah and attempts at victory in Musil, adding, "I think we are ready for Kuwait."

The comment was immediately interrupted by tens of reporters asking al-Maliki to elaborate but to everybody's disappointment, al-Maliki simply walked away from the podium, leaving the world wondering about what he might have meant.

Hundreds of thousands of Kuwaitis have evacuated their homes and caught Europe-bound flights for fear of their lives. The Kuwaiti government has not commented on the crisis, hoping that it was just a joke. However, Mr. salim al-Abdallah al-Jabir al-Sabah, Kuwait's ambassador to the United States told Pivazistan that "if this is about the debt issue, I am sure we can resolve it diplomatically."

BN00063

Obama Upset He Didn't See Any Camels in Iraq

AMERICA FOTES
2008

Baghdad, Iraq: Senator Barack Obama's first trip to Iraq was described by him as "disappointing," adding that he thought he'd see "at least some camels." The Senator met with US commanders, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, Iraqi Vice President Tariq al-Hashimi and Iraqi President Jalal Talabani with whom he shard his views and exchanged some racist jokes.

However, Obama was not content with the dangerous journey into the heart of the war on terrorism, the International Zone in Baghdad as he did not get to see any camels. "You know how cool it would have been to see like, um, an Arab man riding a camel" asked Obama who plans to revisit Iraq again in 2012 if he loses the elections and never if he wins.

BN00062

Pivazistan Launches "America Fotes 2008" Campaign

AMERICA FOTES
2008

Aleppo, Syria: Pivazistan's Editorial board met earlier this morning to launch a campaign for U.S. Presidential Elections coverage called, "America Fotes 2008. The board agreed on the following five general rules:

• No story shall be run on McCain's age
• No story shall be run from the state of Kansas
• Pivazistan will predict the winner on November 3, 2008
• Pivazistan Endorses the winner
• Pivazistan will only cover election stories having to do with Arabs, Muslims, the Middle East and the war on terror

The campaign ends on November 5, 2008.

BN00061

Amazing Arabs: Omar Hasan al-Bashir

Amazing Arabs
(6)

Colonel Omar Hasan al-Bashir has been the President of the Republic of Sudan since 1989 and while there were no elections at the time of the power seizure, it was rightly assumed by al-Bashir that the people of Sudan would have voted for him anyway. When al-Bashir's mother conceived him in 1944, there was no state called Sudan, instead it was part of Egypt which was part of Britain, so for all practical purposes, al-Bashir is an Egyptian or a Brit for that matter.

It is perhaps the Egyptian in al-Bashir that makes him so supportive of democracy. But nothing makes al-Bashir an amazing Arab more than the fact that he is a man who does not care about what the world says. When even the half a state of Afghanistan would not harbor Osama Bin Lade, al-Bashir welcomed him with open arms. At the height of genocide awareness and genocide prevention, he wanted to become the first initiator of a genocide in the 21st century so he started one in Darfur.

al-Bashir is one of those people who thinks that conflict defines individuals and enhances their character and that is precisely why he started the Darfur conflict at a time when the Sudanese Civil War was barely over.

Sudan is rich in honor but poor in natural resources so its economy has been suffering, but under al-Bashir's leadership, as many as 500,000 Sudanese people from Darfur will not have to worry about finding jobs or providing for their kids as they were taken care of by the Janjaweed, the protectors of Arab honor.

Colonel Omar al-Bashir, I personally salute you, you are an amazing Arab!

PN00059

Pivazistan Authors: Brigitte Gabriel

Pivazistan's Tehran correspondent (he's in the states to renew his green card) met with the Lebanese American author and journalist, Brigitte Gabriel to discuss her book, "Because They Hate, A Survivor of Muslim Terror Warns America." Below is the uncut transcript of the interview:

Pivazistan: Ms. Gabriel, thank you for taking the time to be interviewed, it's very nice to have you.
Brigitte Gabriel: Thanks
P: Before we get to your book, I just want to say that all of us at Pivazistan admire the work you do over at the American Congress for Truth, and by the way the name is so fitting since the founder is such an angelic agendaless truth teller.
BG: You made me blush
P: You spent seven years in a bomb shelter yet went on to become an eleqouent writer and speaker, where do you get the inspiration, most people in your situation would have long committed suicide?
BG: I am still very much traumatized, but the hope, the dream of living on day to see all of Lebanon coming under Israeli control keeps me alive.
P: Your book is now required reading at the Pentagon, rightly so since it warns the West of coming mega attacks, what makes you think that these mega attacks are inevitable?
BG: Just because
P: Okay, what in your opinion is the root cause of terrorism?
BG: Muhammad
P: Peace be upon him.
BG: Yup
P: Aside from the obvious (Ariel Sharon, Sa'ad Haddad, Pierre Gemayel), who are some of your heroes?
BG: Those are pretty much it.
P: Brigitte, thank you again for your time, please sign a copy for my boss, Ashraf (A, like Abu Arz, S, like Sharon, H, like Haifa, R, like Ramallah, A, like Abu Arz and F, like Frangieh)
BG: R like what? [she giggles]
P: Like Russia.

BN00058

al-Maliki to Obama: "Less for Less"

Baghdad, Iraq: Senator Obama's visit to his world, the Muslim world began with Afghanistan where he stated that the US should pursue a "more for more" policy vis-a-vis Afghanistan's crucial neighbor, Pakistan, meaning, more US aid for more action against terrorism from the Pakistanis. That message however, did not sit well with the now arrogant Iraqi Prime Minister, who told Obama that Iraq was interested in a "less for less" policy, meaning less visits by him [Obama] for less US troops in Iraq, something the Prime Minister described as "win win."

BN00057

Kuntar Texts Wahbe

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

Undisclosed Location, Lebanon: Pivazistan's sources close to Hizbollah have learned that the newly liberated hero Samir Kuntar has sent a text message to Lebanese pop star Haifa Wehbe. Samir, who requested that we report him speaking from an undisclosed location due to security concerns (editor's note: he was calling from Dahiyieh, Beirut), said that he heard that Haifa admired Hassan Nasrallah and thus thought he had "a good chance to score with her". He then added, "She is super hot." Samir did not reveal the exact contents of the text message, but did state that he "asked her out", "made a Jew joke ending with LOL", and "concluded the message with a smiley face". Our sources are not sure if he has received a response yet. Rumor has it that Haifa's phone is out of battery and she cannot find her charger.

BN00056

Blog of the Week

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: Fatawi al-Malla Ch-Asib
Blogger: al-Malla Ch-Asib
Country: Iraq
URL: http://mullajasib.blogspot.com/

Note the Iraqi "Ch' in Chasib

BN00055

Amazing Arabs; Samir Kuntar

Amazing Arabs
(5)
أنتم تعشقون الحياة ونحن نعشق الموت

When facing oppression, a man has two choices - to resist or remain silent. It takes a man of great conviction and honor to risk his life and rise up against the oppressor, and very rarely is the world given the opportunity to recognize the achievements of such a man. Today, however, the sun once again shines on the noble Aran nation, as the resistance hero Samir Kuntar has been liberated from the grasp of the Zionists!

While heroes of resistance are frequently recognized only in death, our hero Samir is born again and has received the hero's welcome that he so deeply deserved and the praise due to him from all factions in Lebanon. Our hero Samir was not content to enjoy life in Beirut at the nightclubs and cafés. Rather, he selflessly dedicated his life to his cause, our cause, and snuck into Zionist occupied territory to strike at the enemy. His insatiable thirst for freedom was not quenched by the murder of Zionist security personnel, so he went a step further in our struggle. Knowing that the Zionists are crafty, he even smote the disguised oppressor, the oppressor of the future, and smashed a small girl's head open. This is our hero!

Perhaps our hero doesn't even know that when he struck fear into the hearts of the Zionists that another, a second young Zionist oppressor, died while being accidentally smothered by her mother. I am sure that today he is smiling just thinking of the burial of yet another young Jew.

The noble Lebanese nation recognizes the selfless struggle of the child killer Samir, and the man of faith, the hero and leader Nasrallah who worked tirelessly for his just release. Now Samir can taste freedom once again, the freedom that he struggled for. Resistance is a way of life for our heroes, and some day we can only hope to be as brave as Samir. The world will see us resist our oppressors, and the justice of our cause may not be recognized after the murder of only 2 children, but some day this will change. We can only hope that the blood of scores of little children will cleanse our land of the occupation and bring us peace and freedom that we, as human beings, so rightly deserve.

We salute you Samir, you are an amazing Arab! And we salute those who organized your welcoming party!


BN00054

Interview with Samir Kuntar

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

Beirut, Lebanon: Pivazistan is the first news agency to interview the freedom fighter, the recently freed hero, Mr. Samir Kuntar. Below is the uncut transcript of the interview:

Pivazistan: Hujat al-Islam, Mr. Samir Kuntar, first of all 1000 congratulations on your safe return, you have made us all born-again Shi'as!
Samir Kuntar: Awwwwww, thank you!
P: You spent too much time in the prisons of the occupiers, what did you learn during your time in prison?
SK: I learned a lot about how hard chess is as a game.
P: Is that all? Surely you were subjected to all forms of torture in the hands of the Zionists, can you describe to us some of the tortures you experieneced in prison?
P: Yes, I was only allowed to sleep with my Israeli Arab wife and I was seperated from all the Palestinian boys who were in the same prison... the Israeli guards also teased me, but you know what, I am now free and so let's forget about the boys of prison, I am now focused on the boys of freedom!
P: Boys of freedom?
SK: Yes, Lebanese nationalists in their teens
P: When you were released, you immediately changed into military uniform, is that an indication that you're joining the resistance?
SK: Maybe, but I want to go to Najaf for a few years and study to become a scholar.
P: Mr. Kuntar, I know you granted us only two minutes of your time, so our last question to you is, what is your ultimate wish?
SK: My wish is to be considered one of Pivazistan's "amazing Arabs"
P: I promise to run that by Ashraf, after all I can't think of anyone better fit than you for the title.
SK: Thank you.

BN00053

Thomas Freidman: "Nobel Prize for Nassrallah"

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

New York, USA: Pivazistan has learned that the syndicated columnist, Thomas Friedman is in the middle of drafting a column for the New York Times in which he will nominate Hassan Nassrallah for a Nobel Prize. The thinking behind the nomination stems from Friedman's belief that Hizbollah's Secretary-General, Sayyid Hassan Nassrallah could have easily burned the bodies of the two Israeli soldiers over whom a war was fought, instead, he kept them "nicely refrigerated" [Friedman's words] and finally "shipped them home."

This is the second time that Thomas Friedman has nominated a Shi'a leader for the Nobel Prize, in 2005 he nominated Ali al-Sistani for the Nobel Prize because according to Friedman, Sistani's advocacy for elections in Iraq made the elderly clergyman a liberal democrat who would abandon his conservative religions beliefs for the sake of a what he called, "Jeffersonian democracy."

BN00052

Israeli Doctor: "the coffins were empty"

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

Jerusalem, Israel: Dr. Avi Goldberg, an Israeli medical doctor who was assigned to examine the DNA of the "bodies" which were sent to Israel from Lebanon as supposedly the remains of Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev told Pivazistan in an exclusive phone conversation that the coffins contained hand-written letters with phrases such as "lol," "hahahaha" and "DNA this!"

A Hizbollah spokesperson who agreed to speak to Pivazistan under the condition that if we publish his name, he would "bomb the shit out of Aleppo" commented on Dr. Goldberg's findings by saying, "maybe we had a little fun filling the coffins, plus, Ehud and Eldad have been dead for so long that there were no remains to send."

Red Cross officials who were involved in the transportation of the coffins confirmed that the coffins were too light to have contained anything heavier than paper, adding, "but we had to go with the flow."

BN00051

Thousands of Jordanians Convert to Shi'ism

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

Amman, Jordan: In the wake of the Lebanese-Israeli prisoner/coffin exchange, thousands of Jordanians gathered around the royal palace of Amman requesting their king to officially change the country's sect to Shi'a Islam. The gatherers held signs that read, "we are all Majoos," "Sayyid Hassan Nassrallah for King," and one weird sign that read, "Curse Omar and Mu'awiyyah."

Jordan is a country that is considered by the Anti Defamation League as the second most anti-Shi'a country following Saudi Arabia, but who could resist the sight of freedom fighters being released in exchange for bones? Pivazistan's Washington correspondent contacted Professor ValiNassir, a Shi'a zealot whose Taqiyyah has fooled Americans for years, "this is the start of a new era indeed, the era of abandoning Sunnism, which has done nothing for Jordan, it is time to be on the side of the winners," Professor Nassir said. When asked if the events from Lebanon had surprised him, he said, "hell no, I knew all along that this would happen."

BN00049

Poll Shows Lebanese Divided on Definition of "the Cause"

Beirut, Lebanon: A recent poll conducted by Pivazistan shows that the people of Lebanon are deeply divided and confused over a phrase that has been overused by the country's population since 1975, al-adiyeh (the cause). The first question asked the participants what the most important thing is to Lebanon, 100% of the voters answered that "the cause" is the most important thing to them, laving the other options blank which included the flag, the cedars, the memory of Bachir Gemayel and God. The second question asked the pollsters to define "the cause," and the results were as follows:

A: Shab'a Farms, 11%
B: The Christianhood of Lebanon: 11%
C: The Arabness of Lebanon: 9%
D: The assassination of Sheikh Bachir Gemayel: 8%
E: The disappearance of Musa al-Sadr: 5%
F: The Palestinian question: 12%
G: The Palestinian answer: 12%
H: Right of citizenship to Palestinians: 3%
I: Recognition of other Arabs as human beings: 8%
J: National reconciliation: 7%
K: Communal Reconciliation: 14%
M: I don't know: 0%

The next question asked the participants who they thought Lebanon's number one enemy was, the answers again did not yield a national consensus:

A: Syria: 13%
B: Iran: 8%
C: Israel: 6%
E: Saudi Arabia: 12%
F: Haifa Wehbi: 3%
G: Sa'ad al-Hariri: 9%
I: Hassan Nassrallah: 9%
J: Michel Aoun: 10%
K: The assassinated leaders of Lebanon: 10%
L: All of the above: 10%
M: I don't know: 0%


BN00048

Amazing Arabs: Sheikh Yussif al-Qaradawi

Amazing Arabs
(4)

Sheikh Yussif al-Qaradhawi is God's spokesperson on earth. Heavily influenced by one of the most liberal and progressive human beings to ever drink water from the Nile, Sheikh Hassanal-Banna, al-Qaradai touches the hearts of millions and messes with the minds of millions more on a weekly basis through the popular al-Jazeera TV show, al-Shari'a wa al-Hayat. al-Jazeera provides for the senior scholar a forum through which he shares his wisdom and love with the best and the brightest of earth, the Arab masses.

al-Qaradawi's love for his people makes the pope look like a sissy, the Dali Lama like an inept, useless fatso. In al-Qaradawi's mind, suicide is permitted by Islam if the action involves killing Jews and Christians (and hey a few hundred Shi'a bodies never hurt anyone either). Contrary to popular belief, al-Qaradawi is not opposed to criticism and when he makes a mistake, he has no problem reversing his position. For example when the brave Jihadists of Taliban destroyed the Budha idols back in 2001, he initially condemned the action but quickly thereafter had a change of heart and praised the sophisticatedly tolerant operation.

In Sheikh Qaradawi's loving heart, the presence of the American troops in Iraq needs to be combated by the blood of all Muslims (except his immediate family members), and so by that logic, all Americans, military personnel and civilians should b treated as targets.

In the post September 11 world where the West and Islam are engaged in a civilizational clash, we have one of the most eloquent human beings representing us, a man of more virtues than 100 Dali Lamas combined, we have our own, loving, tolerant, progressive, democracy-advocating Sheikh Yussif al-Qaradawi. Sir, congratulations, you're an amazing Arab!

BN00047

Palestinian Lady Recognizes Israel

Ghaza, Palestine: A 75 year old Palestinian lady who goes by the name, "Um Ahmad" has told her kids and grand kids that she recognizes the existence of the Jewish state of Israel. When asked by Pivazistan's West Bank correspondent (our Gaza correspondent is in Beirut for a concert) to explain what she meant, the 75 year old lady who suffers from Alzheimer's disease refused to elaborate on her outrageous claim, adding that "Abu Ammar is the symbol."

BN00046

Pivazistan Authors: Aram Roston

New York, USA: Pivazistan's New York correspondent interviewed Mr. Aram Rostom, the author of a new book called, "The Man Who Pushed America to War: The Extraordinary Life, Adventures and Obsessions of Ahmad Chalabi." Below is the transcript of the interview, uncut:

Pivazistan: Mr. Rostom, thank you very much for your time, we're pleased to have you.
Aram Rostom: You bet.
P: I have to tell you, this book of yours is such an amazing work, I mean you wrote the biography of Ahmad Chaabi even though he refused to speak to you or grant you so much as five minutes of his time. Congratulations!
AR: Thanks buddy.
P: Why does Ahmad Chalabi move nerves in US circles?
AR: Well it's simple really, Ahmad Chalabi is an Arab and a Muslim and most Americans, when thinking of Arabs and Muslims, they think of cab drivers and not lobbyists.
P: So basically Americans are upset over the fact that a sand-nigger was able to convince a WASP to go to war?
AR: I wouldn't put it that way, I would say they are upset that a sand-nigger convinced an American to go to war.
P: Okay, sorry an American. Now on to the book itself, I think that this places you among the top of Middle East experts, are you thinking of learning Arabic?
AR: Thank you, it does make me an expert on the Middle East and particularly Iraq, as for learning Arabic, I think I already know enough, "a'salam alayjum" [he giggles]
P: An Arab reviewer of your book told us that you had not used any Arabic sources for the book, what is your response to that?
AR: Well sir, you said it best, "an Arab," I think it's time for Arabs to realize that we know their history much better than them.
P: Sure but there are some who may accuse you of being an Orientalist, not that you are.
AR: What's an "Orientalist?"
P: Never mind. Mr. Rostom, once again thank you for your time and please sign this copy for my boss [it is spelled A like America, S like Sri Lanka, H like Henry VIII, R like Red Sox, A like America and F like France]

BN00045

Blog of the Week

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: The Musical Thoughts of Ruba Saqr
Blogger: Ruba Saqr
Country: Jordan
URL: http://rubasaqr.blogspot.com/

BN00044

Talabani Wants New Title

Baghdad, Iraq: Jalal bin Hussam-a-Din al-Talabani, the president of Iraq in a government where the Prime Minister is far more powerful, has asked the Iraqi Parliament to grant him a new title which would encourage him to work harder. The new proposed title is "the custodian of the two holy shrines" in reference to Najaf and Karbala, is expected to be approved by Shi'a MPs because that lessens the significance of the same title held by the king of Saudi Arabia. Kurdish MPs are also expected to approve the new title. While Sunni MPs have expressed disagreement over the proposal, a spokesperson from Talabani's office simply stated, "who cares about them?"

Jalal Talabani is a Sufi of the Qadiri order and so such a title is not fit for him, but he told reporters that "the idea was too good to pass."

PN00043

Zionists Sue Egypt

Jerusalem, Israel: Following Egypt's announcement late last month that the Egyptian Ministry of Finance will accept bids for its pyramids, a group of Zionist Jewish lawyers in Tel Aviv and New York have filed a lawsuit against Egypt to prevent this auction from taking place. The spokesperson for this group of Jews, Isaac Goldberg, stated to Pivazistan, "We completely reject the sale of these landmarks as we, and not the Egyptians of the past or present, built them.

"Don't you remember the Exodus?" Dr. Omar Mohammad, a spokesperson for Egypt's finance minister, replied indignantly, "The pyramids are and always have been Arab and Egyptian. It is the Zionists like this man who are enslaving people. He rejects our auction? Well I reject the right of Israel to exist!" Reminded by our correspondent that Egypt signed a peace treaty with Israel in 1978, he replied, "Whatever."

In related news, the Qatari Prime Minister and Minister of Foreign Affairs Sheikh Hassan bin Jassam bin Jabr al-Thani clarified his nation's view on the ongoing pyramid crisis, explaining via satellite phone that, "We will be selling office buildings to the Jewish lawyers to use for their base of operations in the gulf, and we will treat them with all hospitality that is due to rich guests. We have also allocated an extra $200 million to al-Jazeera for use in their 'No Pyramids For Jews' media campaign, scheduled to kick off later this month."

BN00042

Saudi Arabia's Best Sellers

At the Saudi bookstores....

Top Ten Books in Saudi Arabia

1- 100 Non-Fatal Ways to Beat Your Wife
Sheikh Thamir al'nizzy

2- The Threat of the Shi'a Crescent
Bilal Abd-al-Wahab Ahmad

3- The Beauty of the Niqab
Dr. Hala Hashim

4- Chechnya, A Brief History
Dr. Muhammad Muhammad Ghazi

5- The Myth of the Holocaust
Khalifah Nu'man al-Muhammadi

6- Women: The Inferior Beings
Khalida 'Atta Ahmad

7- A Quranic Explanation to Why E = MC2
Fahad Ibrahim

8- The Christian Minority of Spain
As'ad Hasan al-Awsi

9- Shakespeare's Flirtation With Islam
Ayman Ibrahim al-Ahmadi

10- My Struggle
Adolf Hitler
Translated by Tariq Abd-al-Khaliq al-Yathrubi

BN00041

CAIR Demands that Islamophobia Be Considered a Disease

Washington, USA: The Executive Director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, Mr. Nihad Awad has requested, through a letter to the Department of Health and Human Services that Islamophobia be considered a disease. The letter quoted scientific evidence extracted from reports which were prepared in third world countries that Islamophobia is a disease and should be treated as such by the U.S. health sector. Mr. Awad went on to say, "if something stupid like homophobia is considered a disease, then why not Islamophobia, a disease from which millions of Americans suffer?"

Michael Leavitt, Secretary of the DoHHS calmly rejected the request, adding, "as a Mormon, I'll be the first one to tell you that neither Islamophobia nor homophobia are diseases, they are natural reactions to real threats."

BN00039

Amazing Arabs: Etienne Saqr

Amazing Arabs

(3)

Etienne Caesar Saqr, known to the people of Lebanon simply as "Abu Arz," [father of of the cedars] is the leader of a marvelous right-wing political party called, "the Guardians of the Cedars." During the Lebanese Civil War, he developed a deep love for Christian Lebanon, a love that made the likes of Pierre Gemayel blush out of envy.

Abu Arz is not your typical human being, he is a genius, when the Palestinian Liberation Organization entered Lebanon, he immediately discovered the reason for their presence there: Saudi Arabia and the other Gulf States had given Yassir Arafat billions of dollars to drive the Christians out of Lebanon and settle Palestinians there. To this grave problem which made even Jesus of Nazareth upset, Abu Arz had a perfect solution, he proposed the extermination of all Palestinian people through a national movement where every Lebanese person's duty was to kill one Palestinian person!

Abu Arz is unfortunately alive to witness the worst of his nightmares, a Lebanon where Saudi Arabia and Iran fight over control of Lebanese political leaders, a Lebanon where Maronites have become a minority, a Lebanon whose Palestinian refugees are alive, albeit humiliatingly so.

Abu Arz, I know you don't want to be called an Arab, but you're not just an Arab, you're an amazing Arab!

BN00038

Syrian American Man Joins al-Qaeda After Being Denied a Security Clearance

Chicago, USA: Majid Muhammad Salim, an American taxi driver of Syrian origin has booked his ticket to Peshawar, Pakistan and plans to join al-Qaeda in protest of DoD's declination of his security clearance application which would have allowed him to work as an interprter for the multi national force in Iraq. Pivazistan was able to contact Mr. Salim who said, "the global war on terror is so important to me that I have to be part of it, it doesn't matter which side I am on."

BN00037

Iraqi Government to Send a Delegation to Helms' Funeral

Baghdad, Iraq: A spokesperson for the Iraqi government announced earlier this morning that a delegation headed by Ahmad Chalabi will travel to Raleigh, North Carolina to attend the funeral of former US senator Jesse Helms, pending Department of State visa approvals.

Our sources in Baghdad have learned that a list of 120 Iraqis has been submitted to Ryan Crocker's office for visas. The majority of those whose visas are pending have absolutely no idea who Jesse Helms was, but the unbearable Baghdad heat makes it tempting for these people to take a break.

Ahmad Chalabi is considered one of the few people to whom the late Senator from North Carolina, a.k.a., "Senator No" ever said "yes."

BN00036

Egyptian Oncologist: "Israel is the Cause of all Cancers"

Cairo, Egypt: Dr. Heba al-Zawaheri (probably related to Ayman) of the Cairo-based National Cancer Institute, in an exclusive interview with Pivazistan said that the number one cause of all cancers is the Jewish state of Israel. Dr. al-Zawaheri has spent the last ten years doing cancer research with specific focus on leukemia, but instead of identifying ways of preventing new cases or helping in the search for cures for the deadly disease, she presented a rather poetic paper to the Institute in which she stated that the number one cause of leukemia is Israel.

What was expected to be a scientific PowerPoint presentation turned to be much more useful to an audience of over 100 PhD holders, the who's who of Egypt's cancer experts. al-Zawaheri's presentation received an electric applause from her fellow oncologists who shouted, "with our souls, with our blood, we will die for you, oh Palestine."

BN00035

Organization of the Islamic Conference Urges Kosovo to Legalize Polygamy

New York, USA: The Organization of the Islamic Conference which officially recognized Kosovo's independence years before the Kosovars themselves declared or thought of declaring it, is currently reviewing Kosovo's membership application to the organization. The Secretary-General of the OIC, Mr. Ekmeleddin Ihasnoglu, in a letter to the people of Kosovo called for the new republic to "take Islamic measures which would impress us." Mr. Ihsanoglu went on to say, "while we cannot impose anything specific, we urge you to consider legalizing the practice of polygamy."

While Kosovo politicians are realistic enough to know that they have no chance to ever join the European Union, they still filed the letter under "SPAM."

BN00034

Blog of the Week

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: Eye Raki
Blogger: Hayder al-Khoei
Country: United Kingdom
URL: http://eyeraki.blogspot.com/

BN00033

Saudi Arabia Hires Google Executive as Consultant

Riyadh, KSA: Pivazistan has learned of a secret deal between Turki bin Faisal al-Saud, Saudi Arabia's former Intel. chief and Omid Kordestani, Google's senior VP for Sales and Field Operations. According to our source, Mr. Kordestani will be visiting Saudi Arabia later this year on a leave of absence from google and will begin working with the Saudi royal family on Arab media acquisitions for the kingdom.

Mr. Kordestani, the chic Iranian-born American was picked for the position because Saudi Arabia and google share a core value: any information that is not ours should either become ours or become eternally destroyed.

As has always been google's tradition, Kordestani is expected to use a top to bottom approach in enhancing the Saudi media empire. He plans on starting with making an offer to al-Jazeera and make his way down to the smallest of TV stations and newspapers across the Arabic-speaking world.

Iran, the Saudis' arch rivals in the region have not commented on their native's willingness to work for the enemy, but absentia charges of treason are expected to be pressed by the Iranian government against Kordestani.

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Amazing Arabs: Bashar al-Assad

Amazing Arabs

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Bashar Hafiz al-Assad, the democratically elected President of Syria, the blue-eyed opthalmologist whose altruism, nationalism and love for public service made him leave his comfortable 9 to 5 job as an eye surgeon and took a pay cut to work as Syria's President, is Pivazistan's pick for "Amazing Arabs." Contrary to popular belief, the fact that his father had served as President had absolutely nothing to do with why he became President. Dr. Bashar became President simply because he wanted to.

The young Assad is better than his father in that he doesn't silence the opposition by creating an environment where opposition is almost impossible, he allows oppositionists to surface and then eradicates them by, well killing them. He's a staunch supporter of Lebanon, a region he rightly considers to be a mere part of Syria.

When Bashar was the first son of Syria, he did me a favor by helping bring the Internet to the country, something he now regrets.

He's not an ordinary Arab leader because this one plays with the region's big dogs, he follows his father's policy vis-a-vis the Islamic Republic of Iran, that of a strategic alliance. He hates the Saudi royals or as he likes to call them, "dirty Sunnis." In 2005 he shook the region by ordering the nation's Intelligence service to murder the Saudi puppet, Rafiq al-Hariri, an event which he denies in public but jokes about in private.

Bashar al-Assad is now playing with the biggest dog of them all, the "illigitimate child of the age," a phrase his father coined for the Jewish state of Israel. Syria and Israel are due to begin peace talks in the near future.

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Rising Oil Prices Hit London Hard

London, UK: While Londoners and others suffer as oil prices skyrocket, London's yearly summer visitors from the Gulf are experiencing great pains due to the difficult economic situation. Abu Ahmed, a husband of 3 and father of 5, took the time out of his busy schedule to meet Pivazistan's London correspondent, William Bernard III, at a cafe in Knightsbridge.

Below if the transcript of the interview:

Bernard: Thank you for taking the time to meet with us, sir. Kindly introduce yourself.
Abu Ahmed: I am Abu Ahmed and I work in the oil industry. Every summer I leave my family in Saudi Arabia to escape the heat and spend some time here in London.
Bernard: How are rising oil prices affecting you?
Abu Ahmed: Well, we are all rich due to rising oil prices!
Bernard: So why do you sound disappointed?
Abu Ahmed: Well, you see everyone in my industry is rich and they are all here for the summer. So imagine how high the prices are for underage prostitutes!
Bernard: I never thought of that!
Abu Ahmed: You complain of the cost of petrol, but your burden is nothing compared to having to pay double for 3 hours with a 16 year old Morrocan on a lonely Wednesday night!
Bernard: I never realized that rising oil prices are more tragic for the oil executives themselves than they are for the common London commuter. Thank you for this unique insight into the daily struggle that is your life.

Abu Ahmed's statements were echoed by many other visitors from the Gulf, including Nawaf, an irate Qatari in his mid-20's who was deep into his third double scotch in the lobby of the Dorchester Hotel. Speaking to our correspondent, Nawaf said, "The fucking price of cocaine is through the roof these days!"

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Bahrain Releases 2008 Census Results

Manama, Bahrain: The government of Bahrain, for the first time since its independence from the not-so-great-anymore Britain in 1971 has released a national census which includes a sectarian breakdown. King Hamad bin 'Isa al-Khalifah announced, in a statement to the press said that he was proud of his country's diversity.

Acording to the census, Bahrain's population data as of June 2008 is as follows:

Total Population: 1.5 million

Muslim: 98%

Sunni: 99%

Majoos (Shi'a): 1%

Christian: 2%

Jews: One infertile couple

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Saudi Arabia: "No Hajj in 2008"

Riyadh, KSA: The Saudi government will officially announce the cancellation of this year pilgrimage to Mecca, an unprecedented decision which will likely affect hundreds of thousands of Muslims. This decision was reached late this evening as a response to bomb threats dispatched to the Saudis from top CIA sources.

The official cancellation decree, however, will likely cite renovation as a reason for cancelling and will not announce the security concerns.

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al-Assad Shrugs at Iraqi Concerns over Border Security

Damascus, Syria: Fed up Iraqi politicians who have made enormous security progress over the past few months have expressed disgust over how the Syrians handle security matters along the Iraq-Syria border. During a press conference in Damascus earlier today, Bashar al-Assad, the Syrian emperror responded to the Iraqis by shrugging.

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Blog of the Week

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: The Angry Arab News Service
Blogger: As'ad Abukhalil
Country: USA
URL: http://www.sandmonkey.org/

BN00025

90% of Somalians Want Italy Back

Magadishu, Somalia: A survey conducted by Pivazistan showed that 90% of Somalians would want Italy to reoccupy their country. Below are the poll results:





Who is Best Fit To Rule Somalia?

A: Abdullahi Yusif Ahmad 2%
B: al-Qaeda 8%
C: Silvio Berlusconi 80%
D: Other 10%
What Should Happen to Somalia?

A: Be Sold to Ethiopia 3%
B: Be Burnt 4%
C: Be reoccupied by Italy 90%
D: Become Christian 3%

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