Saudi Arabia: "No Hajj in 2008"

Riyadh, KSA: The Saudi government will officially announce the cancellation of this year pilgrimage to Mecca, an unprecedented decision which will likely affect hundreds of thousands of Muslims. This decision was reached late this evening as a response to bomb threats dispatched to the Saudis from top CIA sources.

The official cancellation decree, however, will likely cite renovation as a reason for cancelling and will not announce the security concerns.

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al-Assad Shrugs at Iraqi Concerns over Border Security

Damascus, Syria: Fed up Iraqi politicians who have made enormous security progress over the past few months have expressed disgust over how the Syrians handle security matters along the Iraq-Syria border. During a press conference in Damascus earlier today, Bashar al-Assad, the Syrian emperror responded to the Iraqis by shrugging.

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Blog of the Week

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: The Angry Arab News Service
Blogger: As'ad Abukhalil
Country: USA
URL: http://www.sandmonkey.org/

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90% of Somalians Want Italy Back

Magadishu, Somalia: A survey conducted by Pivazistan showed that 90% of Somalians would want Italy to reoccupy their country. Below are the poll results:





Who is Best Fit To Rule Somalia?

A: Abdullahi Yusif Ahmad 2%
B: al-Qaeda 8%
C: Silvio Berlusconi 80%
D: Other 10%
What Should Happen to Somalia?

A: Be Sold to Ethiopia 3%
B: Be Burnt 4%
C: Be reoccupied by Italy 90%
D: Become Christian 3%

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Amazing Arabs: Muammar al-Qadhafi

AMAZING ARABS
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It is with honor and enthusiasm that the first of the series, "Amazing Arabs" goes to Colonel Mu'ammar al-Qadhafi, the absolute benevolent leader of a country whose name is a complete sentence, the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriyyah. The Colonel is 68 years old, 40 of which have been spent as the leader of Libya.

No man is perfecter than Qadhafi. As a young Arab nationalist, his role model was Jamal Abdulnasser, the fourth pyramid, the man who epitimizes victory, the man who gave the Arabs a true sense of unity.

But Qadhafi doesn't stop at pan-Arabism, he is also a pan-Africanist, he is the whitey of the dark continent, the young-looking senior leader who wraps his head and body with Arab/Muslim/African pieces of cloth.

In Qadhafi's world everything has to make sense, if they don't make sense, he wants them perished. Shi'aism didn't make sense to him, so he invited Mousa al-Sadr to Libya and killed him. How else should mainstream Muslims react to these pagan-like belief systems?

Congratulations Colonel Qadhafi, you are an amazing Arab!

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Obama to Appoint Marc Lynch to Iraq Ambassador

Washington, USA: US Presidential candidate Barack Obama announced yetserday that he would appoint Marc Lynch as ambassador to Iraq if he was elected President. Marc Lynch, the self-proclaimed Middle Eastern expert is an Obama supporter because he feels guilty that he is an affluent white man living in a country that has done so much wrong to black Americans.

Lynch told his readers in a recent blog entry that he thinks of himself as a latter-day Lawrence of Arabia, a statement that apparently touched Obama to the point where he immediately declared, "I wanna meet this orientalist."

Upon hearing the news that he would become ambassador to Iraq in an Obama administration, Lynch announced that he would convert to Islam (to impress his boss-to-be) and plans to change his blog title from Abu Aarvark to Abu Kharoof. Lynch also plans to learn Arabic as he is mindful that stating that one speaks Arabic is not the same as actually speaking it.

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Osama Bin Laden Cracks Up at Conspiracy Theory

Peshawar, Pakistan: An associate of Pivazistan who knows somebody whose neighbor's uncle had recently heard from his in-laws that they had heard that a former al-Qaeda spokesperson had shown the $20 bill 9/11 conspiracy theory to his boss, Osama Bin Laden. The reaction from Mr. Bin Laden, according to the source was a loud laugh that led the sheep milk he was drinking to come out of his rather large nose.



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Egypt Puts Pyramids on Sale

Cairo, Egypt: The unemployment and inflation rates in Egypt have gone out of control, so much so that the Egyptian minister of finance, Mr. Youssef Ghali has proposed the sale by auction of the pyramids. The Egyptian parliament is due to convene later this month to discuss and vote on the matter.

Several private European art collectors have already began travel plans to Egypt in the hope to place bids on this truly genius human achievement.

"We need bread, we need jobs," said the finance minister, "we don't need some useless giant rocks." Public opinion in Egypt is still unknown on the issue as nobody has bothered polling the people, however, it is clear that not many people really give a fuck.

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Croatia Cuts Diplomatic Relations with Turkey

Ankara, Turkey: Following Croatia's defeat in the quarterfinal match of Euro 2008 where they met a fiercely powerful Turkey, the assistant minister of foreign affairs, Mr. Gustavic Ercegovac, in a press conference announced that his country will withdraw its ambassador from Turkey and cut all diplomatic relations because of the unfair Friday night soccer defeat.

When asked why his government thought the match was "unfair," the career diplomat simply responded by saying, "we played better."

In an exclusive interview with Turkey's foreign minister, Ali Babacan, the minister told Pivazistan that he didn't even know Croatia had an embassy in Turkey, adding "but if they did and now they want to leave, then fuck 'em."

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Iran Threatens to Nuke Nigeria

Tehran, Iran: Gholam Hussein Ilham, the official spokesperson of the Iranian government said that the Iranian government had had enough of Obama's threats and vowed to nuke Nigeria, what he called, "Obama's country of origin."

This came a response to Obama's constant striving to tell the American public that he is not the pussy the whole country thinks he is.

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Rushdie to Iran: "What About Hitchens?"

New York, USA: In a recent interview with Pivazistan, Salman Rushdie, the naturalized British citizen who once pissed off the Muslim word (read Khomeini) by publishing a boring book called the Satanic Verses called upon the Iranian mullahs to issue a fatwa against fellow writer Christopher Hitchens. Hitchens has recently published a book titled, "God is Not Great."

Sir Salman Rushdie, an atheist himself said that he agrees that God is not so great, but insisted that those who do think so should take action against who he called, "the fat British bastard."

Pivazistan was unable to reach Hitchens for comment.

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Blog of the Week

Every week, Pivazistan will select one blog and award it the Pivazistan Blog of the Week Award. The conditions are simple, the blog needs to be Middle-Eastern oriented and it must be witty.

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: Rantings of a Sandmonkey
Blogger: Unknown
Country: Egypt
URL: http://www.sandmonkey.org/

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Muqtada al-Sadr Endorses Obama

Baghdad, Iraq: The Shi'a militant leader, Muqtada al-Sadr through a phone conversation with Pivazistan from his undisclosed location said that he supports what we assume he meant Obama for the US Presidential race. "I endorse the black one," said the radical clergyman.

Obama's foreign policy advisers were initially thrilled by the endorsement as they thought it was Nuri al-Maliki who had endorsed him, but when they realized that it wasn't al-Maliki, they "categorically" rejected the endorsement, stating, "we accepted it thinking it was Prime Minister Maliki, all these Arab names sound so fucking alike, it's not even funny."

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Muslim Woman Who Was Refused a Seat Behind Obama Says, "Fuck Him"

Detroit, USA: In a shocking turn of events, the originally Muslim presidential nominee, Barrack Obama refused to allow a Muslim woman, Hebba Aref to appear behind him and infront of the cameras at a Detroit rally because she was wearing a head scarf. Pivazistan spoke to Ms. Aref who seemed careless about the event and said that she would vote for John McCain instead. When our Detroit correspondent tried to reason with Ms. Aref by telling her that Mr. Obama himself may have no knowledge of the incident, she said, "fuck him anyway."

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Olmert to Obama, "Stay Out of This"

Jerusalem, Israel: As Barrack Obama, the 2008 Presidential nominee gets more and more involved in Middle Eastern affairs, many here feel like the young politician should slow down. Among those is the Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert who told Pivazistan that he thinks "Obama should simply stay out of the Middle East," adding "it's too much for him."

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Egyptian Finance Minister Falls for 419 Scam

Cairo, Egypt: The Egyptian finance minister, Youssef Boutros Ghali was chatting with some buddies through Yahoo Messenger when he saw an email pop up, "at the start, it seemed too good to be true," said the minister in a soft voice. The content of the email was an offer for the already wealthy minister to become wealthier through assisting the son of a Nigerian diplomat who wanted millions of his cash transferred to an Egyptian bank.

As months went by, the minister's helping hand was met with disappointment and deception. "How was I supposed to know it's a scam?" Asked Mr. Ghali.

In a related development, Mr. Ghali has withdrawn his endorsement for Barrack Obama.

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Pope Calls Danish Cartoons "Work of Pure Genius"

Rome, Italy: Pivazistan has learned that pope Benedict XVI has finally commented on the Jyllands-Posten cartoons about Prophet Muhammad. A vatican official who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity (we'll tell you his name anyway Federico Lombardi) said that the pope asked to see the cartoons and was especially moved by the bomb in the turban cartoon (featured here). Mr. Lombardi went on to say that the pope, after a long pause said of the cartoons were a "work of pure genius."

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Muqtada Vows to Fight Until Last Bullet

Baghdad, Iraq: As Sadrist militia men get pounded by Iraqi forces and Sadrist officials are arrested throughout the country, Muqtada remains bravely resolute. In a phone conversation with Pivazistan earlier today, the Shi'a militant from an undisclosed location (and a blocked caller ID) told us that he is currently fighting. Mr. al-Sadr was short of breath as the sound of shots were heard in the background, but the constant reference to Sgt. Nathan Hale indicated to us that Muqtada was playing Resistance: Fall of Man on his Sony PlayStation3.

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Yemen Recognizes Saddam's Death

San'a, Yemen: It has been well over five years since Saddam's regime was toppled in Baghdad and two years since Saddam himself was hanged to death, yet the government in Yemen categorically denied the events, insisting that this was just a "nightmare" and that the "sword of Arabs" [reference to Saddam] would be back to "march us all toward Jerusalem."

But realizing that that will not happen, in a statement issued by the government and signed by an unknown Yemeni official whose signature did not reveal his identity, Yemen finally came to terms with the events that have been unfolding in Iraq. The statement did not state that Yemen recognizes the new Iraqi government, it merely admitted to the fall of the Saddam government.

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Israel to Bid for 2022 World Cup

Jerusalem, Israel: The Israeli Science, Culture and Sports minister, Mr. Ghaleb Majadle announced this morning in a press conference that Israel is considering bidding for 2022 World Cup hosts. The FIFA officials we contacted refused to comment. However, the Palestinian minister of Information and Foreign Affairs, Riyad al-Malki rejected the idea saying, "we don't know whether it will be in existence until 2022."

Pivazistan's Jerusalem bureau chief was unable to tell if Mr. al-Malki was talking about the World Cup or Israel not being in existence.

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Saddam Defense Team Convenes to Discuss "What Went Wrong"

Amman, Jordan: The legal team that defended former Iraqi president, Saddam Husseun convened yesterday in the Jordanian capital to discuss what they could have done to prevent the sentencing of their client to death by hanging. The flight and hotel expenses for the lawyers staying at the Marriott hotel in Amman were paid for by Raghad Saddam Hussein.

Pivazistan was among a handful of media outlets that were allowed to attend the press conference where Ramsey Clark vowed to publish a 286 page, double-spaced report on what he and his colleagues think went wrong with the trial.

The weeping former attorney general said, "we know we could have done more to save the Leader's life, we know we fucked up."

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Queen Rania: "I Hate My Husband"

Amman, Jordan: In an exclusive interview with Pivazistan, Queen Rania of Jordan expressed heartfelt resentment toward her husband, Kind Abdullah bin Hussein, the current monarch of the Hashmite Kingdom of Jordan. "The guy is such a creep" Rania said, "I can't believe I married him, I mean he is too short for me." The sightly intoxicated queen has repeatedly tried contacting Pivazistan since the interview, begging us not to publish the content of the interview. Our Amman correspondent did finally get back to the queen through a text message with the words, "too late your majesty."

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al-Maliki Threatens to Deny the Holocaust

Baghdad, Iraq: Iraqi Prime Minister, Nuri al-Mailiki in a press conference this morning in Baghdad threatened to deny the Holocaust if the American media doesn't start to give him more credit for his what he called, "outstanding leadership." The Prime Minister who was in need of a shave appeared fatigued as he shouted, "I am sick and tired of the Americans, what more can I do?"

al-Maliki has recently taken action against Sunni terrorists in Musil while at the same time fighting Shi'a terrorists in Basrah. "What will it take for me to get some damn credit?" asked the PM, angrily adding, "I swear I will deny the Holocaust if I don't make Time Magazine 100 list this year."

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Boston Resident Arrested for Celebratory Fire

New York, USA: An Iraqi American man was arrested last night by the Boston Police Department following game six of the NBA finals between the Boston Celtics and the L.A. Lakers. Police said that Jabbar al-Haidari fired 12 bullets into the air in celebration of the Celtics' victory. Pivazistan's New York correspondent was able to get in touch with al-Haidari's family by phone who seemed angry at the arrest, saying "these people need to know the difference between celebratory fire and real fire." Elaine Driscoll, a spokesperson for the Boston Police Department, in an email to Pivazistan said, "if you wanna do these types of things, not for nothing but you should get the fuck our of this country."

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Welcome to Pivazistan

Welcome to the only site on the face of this earth that will forever keep you entertained and informed. This site is the electronic version of a newspaper that has been in and out of print since 1824 under the name, "Pivazistan."

It is here where you will experience what ordinary Middle Eastern outlets do not and cannot offer to you: exclusive overage, inside information and of course LOLish wit.

I, along with a team of well-paid, well-connected correspondents from around the globe will constantly strive to bring you what al-Jazeera cannot bring you, what al-Hayat is too cowardly to bring you, what CNN and NYTimes are too ifnorant to bring you, the truth (in all of its absurd versions) from the heart of the heart of the Middle East (wherever that may be).

Enjoy your stay here and do get addicted to our site.

Ashraf al-Halabi
Chief Editor
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