Pivazistan Authors: Brigitte Gabriel

Pivazistan's Tehran correspondent (he's in the states to renew his green card) met with the Lebanese American author and journalist, Brigitte Gabriel to discuss her book, "Because They Hate, A Survivor of Muslim Terror Warns America." Below is the uncut transcript of the interview:

Pivazistan: Ms. Gabriel, thank you for taking the time to be interviewed, it's very nice to have you.
Brigitte Gabriel: Thanks
P: Before we get to your book, I just want to say that all of us at Pivazistan admire the work you do over at the American Congress for Truth, and by the way the name is so fitting since the founder is such an angelic agendaless truth teller.
BG: You made me blush
P: You spent seven years in a bomb shelter yet went on to become an eleqouent writer and speaker, where do you get the inspiration, most people in your situation would have long committed suicide?
BG: I am still very much traumatized, but the hope, the dream of living on day to see all of Lebanon coming under Israeli control keeps me alive.
P: Your book is now required reading at the Pentagon, rightly so since it warns the West of coming mega attacks, what makes you think that these mega attacks are inevitable?
BG: Just because
P: Okay, what in your opinion is the root cause of terrorism?
BG: Muhammad
P: Peace be upon him.
BG: Yup
P: Aside from the obvious (Ariel Sharon, Sa'ad Haddad, Pierre Gemayel), who are some of your heroes?
BG: Those are pretty much it.
P: Brigitte, thank you again for your time, please sign a copy for my boss, Ashraf (A, like Abu Arz, S, like Sharon, H, like Haifa, R, like Ramallah, A, like Abu Arz and F, like Frangieh)
BG: R like what? [she giggles]
P: Like Russia.

BN00058

Kuntar Texts Wahbe

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

Undisclosed Location, Lebanon: Pivazistan's sources close to Hizbollah have learned that the newly liberated hero Samir Kuntar has sent a text message to Lebanese pop star Haifa Wehbe. Samir, who requested that we report him speaking from an undisclosed location due to security concerns (editor's note: he was calling from Dahiyieh, Beirut), said that he heard that Haifa admired Hassan Nasrallah and thus thought he had "a good chance to score with her". He then added, "She is super hot." Samir did not reveal the exact contents of the text message, but did state that he "asked her out", "made a Jew joke ending with LOL", and "concluded the message with a smiley face". Our sources are not sure if he has received a response yet. Rumor has it that Haifa's phone is out of battery and she cannot find her charger.

BN00056

Amazing Arabs; Samir Kuntar

Amazing Arabs
(5)
أنتم تعشقون الحياة ونحن نعشق الموت

When facing oppression, a man has two choices - to resist or remain silent. It takes a man of great conviction and honor to risk his life and rise up against the oppressor, and very rarely is the world given the opportunity to recognize the achievements of such a man. Today, however, the sun once again shines on the noble Aran nation, as the resistance hero Samir Kuntar has been liberated from the grasp of the Zionists!

While heroes of resistance are frequently recognized only in death, our hero Samir is born again and has received the hero's welcome that he so deeply deserved and the praise due to him from all factions in Lebanon. Our hero Samir was not content to enjoy life in Beirut at the nightclubs and cafés. Rather, he selflessly dedicated his life to his cause, our cause, and snuck into Zionist occupied territory to strike at the enemy. His insatiable thirst for freedom was not quenched by the murder of Zionist security personnel, so he went a step further in our struggle. Knowing that the Zionists are crafty, he even smote the disguised oppressor, the oppressor of the future, and smashed a small girl's head open. This is our hero!

Perhaps our hero doesn't even know that when he struck fear into the hearts of the Zionists that another, a second young Zionist oppressor, died while being accidentally smothered by her mother. I am sure that today he is smiling just thinking of the burial of yet another young Jew.

The noble Lebanese nation recognizes the selfless struggle of the child killer Samir, and the man of faith, the hero and leader Nasrallah who worked tirelessly for his just release. Now Samir can taste freedom once again, the freedom that he struggled for. Resistance is a way of life for our heroes, and some day we can only hope to be as brave as Samir. The world will see us resist our oppressors, and the justice of our cause may not be recognized after the murder of only 2 children, but some day this will change. We can only hope that the blood of scores of little children will cleanse our land of the occupation and bring us peace and freedom that we, as human beings, so rightly deserve.

We salute you Samir, you are an amazing Arab! And we salute those who organized your welcoming party!


BN00054

Interview with Samir Kuntar

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

Beirut, Lebanon: Pivazistan is the first news agency to interview the freedom fighter, the recently freed hero, Mr. Samir Kuntar. Below is the uncut transcript of the interview:

Pivazistan: Hujat al-Islam, Mr. Samir Kuntar, first of all 1000 congratulations on your safe return, you have made us all born-again Shi'as!
Samir Kuntar: Awwwwww, thank you!
P: You spent too much time in the prisons of the occupiers, what did you learn during your time in prison?
SK: I learned a lot about how hard chess is as a game.
P: Is that all? Surely you were subjected to all forms of torture in the hands of the Zionists, can you describe to us some of the tortures you experieneced in prison?
P: Yes, I was only allowed to sleep with my Israeli Arab wife and I was seperated from all the Palestinian boys who were in the same prison... the Israeli guards also teased me, but you know what, I am now free and so let's forget about the boys of prison, I am now focused on the boys of freedom!
P: Boys of freedom?
SK: Yes, Lebanese nationalists in their teens
P: When you were released, you immediately changed into military uniform, is that an indication that you're joining the resistance?
SK: Maybe, but I want to go to Najaf for a few years and study to become a scholar.
P: Mr. Kuntar, I know you granted us only two minutes of your time, so our last question to you is, what is your ultimate wish?
SK: My wish is to be considered one of Pivazistan's "amazing Arabs"
P: I promise to run that by Ashraf, after all I can't think of anyone better fit than you for the title.
SK: Thank you.

BN00053

Thomas Freidman: "Nobel Prize for Nassrallah"

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

New York, USA: Pivazistan has learned that the syndicated columnist, Thomas Friedman is in the middle of drafting a column for the New York Times in which he will nominate Hassan Nassrallah for a Nobel Prize. The thinking behind the nomination stems from Friedman's belief that Hizbollah's Secretary-General, Sayyid Hassan Nassrallah could have easily burned the bodies of the two Israeli soldiers over whom a war was fought, instead, he kept them "nicely refrigerated" [Friedman's words] and finally "shipped them home."

This is the second time that Thomas Friedman has nominated a Shi'a leader for the Nobel Prize, in 2005 he nominated Ali al-Sistani for the Nobel Prize because according to Friedman, Sistani's advocacy for elections in Iraq made the elderly clergyman a liberal democrat who would abandon his conservative religions beliefs for the sake of a what he called, "Jeffersonian democracy."

BN00052

Israeli Doctor: "the coffins were empty"

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

Jerusalem, Israel: Dr. Avi Goldberg, an Israeli medical doctor who was assigned to examine the DNA of the "bodies" which were sent to Israel from Lebanon as supposedly the remains of Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev told Pivazistan in an exclusive phone conversation that the coffins contained hand-written letters with phrases such as "lol," "hahahaha" and "DNA this!"

A Hizbollah spokesperson who agreed to speak to Pivazistan under the condition that if we publish his name, he would "bomb the shit out of Aleppo" commented on Dr. Goldberg's findings by saying, "maybe we had a little fun filling the coffins, plus, Ehud and Eldad have been dead for so long that there were no remains to send."

Red Cross officials who were involved in the transportation of the coffins confirmed that the coffins were too light to have contained anything heavier than paper, adding, "but we had to go with the flow."

BN00051

Thousands of Jordanians Convert to Shi'ism

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

Amman, Jordan: In the wake of the Lebanese-Israeli prisoner/coffin exchange, thousands of Jordanians gathered around the royal palace of Amman requesting their king to officially change the country's sect to Shi'a Islam. The gatherers held signs that read, "we are all Majoos," "Sayyid Hassan Nassrallah for King," and one weird sign that read, "Curse Omar and Mu'awiyyah."

Jordan is a country that is considered by the Anti Defamation League as the second most anti-Shi'a country following Saudi Arabia, but who could resist the sight of freedom fighters being released in exchange for bones? Pivazistan's Washington correspondent contacted Professor ValiNassir, a Shi'a zealot whose Taqiyyah has fooled Americans for years, "this is the start of a new era indeed, the era of abandoning Sunnism, which has done nothing for Jordan, it is time to be on the side of the winners," Professor Nassir said. When asked if the events from Lebanon had surprised him, he said, "hell no, I knew all along that this would happen."

BN00049

Poll Shows Lebanese Divided on Definition of "the Cause"

Beirut, Lebanon: A recent poll conducted by Pivazistan shows that the people of Lebanon are deeply divided and confused over a phrase that has been overused by the country's population since 1975, al-adiyeh (the cause). The first question asked the participants what the most important thing is to Lebanon, 100% of the voters answered that "the cause" is the most important thing to them, laving the other options blank which included the flag, the cedars, the memory of Bachir Gemayel and God. The second question asked the pollsters to define "the cause," and the results were as follows:

A: Shab'a Farms, 11%
B: The Christianhood of Lebanon: 11%
C: The Arabness of Lebanon: 9%
D: The assassination of Sheikh Bachir Gemayel: 8%
E: The disappearance of Musa al-Sadr: 5%
F: The Palestinian question: 12%
G: The Palestinian answer: 12%
H: Right of citizenship to Palestinians: 3%
I: Recognition of other Arabs as human beings: 8%
J: National reconciliation: 7%
K: Communal Reconciliation: 14%
M: I don't know: 0%

The next question asked the participants who they thought Lebanon's number one enemy was, the answers again did not yield a national consensus:

A: Syria: 13%
B: Iran: 8%
C: Israel: 6%
E: Saudi Arabia: 12%
F: Haifa Wehbi: 3%
G: Sa'ad al-Hariri: 9%
I: Hassan Nassrallah: 9%
J: Michel Aoun: 10%
K: The assassinated leaders of Lebanon: 10%
L: All of the above: 10%
M: I don't know: 0%


BN00048

Amazing Arabs: Etienne Saqr

Amazing Arabs

(3)

Etienne Caesar Saqr, known to the people of Lebanon simply as "Abu Arz," [father of of the cedars] is the leader of a marvelous right-wing political party called, "the Guardians of the Cedars." During the Lebanese Civil War, he developed a deep love for Christian Lebanon, a love that made the likes of Pierre Gemayel blush out of envy.

Abu Arz is not your typical human being, he is a genius, when the Palestinian Liberation Organization entered Lebanon, he immediately discovered the reason for their presence there: Saudi Arabia and the other Gulf States had given Yassir Arafat billions of dollars to drive the Christians out of Lebanon and settle Palestinians there. To this grave problem which made even Jesus of Nazareth upset, Abu Arz had a perfect solution, he proposed the extermination of all Palestinian people through a national movement where every Lebanese person's duty was to kill one Palestinian person!

Abu Arz is unfortunately alive to witness the worst of his nightmares, a Lebanon where Saudi Arabia and Iran fight over control of Lebanese political leaders, a Lebanon where Maronites have become a minority, a Lebanon whose Palestinian refugees are alive, albeit humiliatingly so.

Abu Arz, I know you don't want to be called an Arab, but you're not just an Arab, you're an amazing Arab!

BN00038