McCain and Obama: "We Do Not Want the Arab Vote"

AMERICA FOTES
2008

Michigan, USA: In separate statements issued by the campaigns of both John McCain and Barack Obama, the two candidates expressed their rejection for the Arab-American votes. While the Obama statement was at least diplomatic in that it expressed dislike for communal or "collective" voting, Senator McCain went all out and stated this:

We ask Arabs and Muslims to vote for Obama, that way they'll know that they do not matter.

James Zogby of the Arab American Institute was not contacted by Pivazistan for commentary on this issue.

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Blog of the Week

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: Yaman's Amateur Ramblings
Blogger: Yaman Salahi
Country: USA
URL: http://www.yamansalahi.com/

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Obama Upset He Didn't See Any Camels in Iraq

AMERICA FOTES
2008

Baghdad, Iraq: Senator Barack Obama's first trip to Iraq was described by him as "disappointing," adding that he thought he'd see "at least some camels." The Senator met with US commanders, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, Iraqi Vice President Tariq al-Hashimi and Iraqi President Jalal Talabani with whom he shard his views and exchanged some racist jokes.

However, Obama was not content with the dangerous journey into the heart of the war on terrorism, the International Zone in Baghdad as he did not get to see any camels. "You know how cool it would have been to see like, um, an Arab man riding a camel" asked Obama who plans to revisit Iraq again in 2012 if he loses the elections and never if he wins.

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Pivazistan Launches "America Fotes 2008" Campaign

AMERICA FOTES
2008

Aleppo, Syria: Pivazistan's Editorial board met earlier this morning to launch a campaign for U.S. Presidential Elections coverage called, "America Fotes 2008. The board agreed on the following five general rules:

• No story shall be run on McCain's age
• No story shall be run from the state of Kansas
• Pivazistan will predict the winner on November 3, 2008
• Pivazistan Endorses the winner
• Pivazistan will only cover election stories having to do with Arabs, Muslims, the Middle East and the war on terror

The campaign ends on November 5, 2008.

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al-Maliki to Obama: "Less for Less"

Baghdad, Iraq: Senator Obama's visit to his world, the Muslim world began with Afghanistan where he stated that the US should pursue a "more for more" policy vis-a-vis Afghanistan's crucial neighbor, Pakistan, meaning, more US aid for more action against terrorism from the Pakistanis. That message however, did not sit well with the now arrogant Iraqi Prime Minister, who told Obama that Iraq was interested in a "less for less" policy, meaning less visits by him [Obama] for less US troops in Iraq, something the Prime Minister described as "win win."

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Thomas Freidman: "Nobel Prize for Nassrallah"

THE END OF THE ERA OF DEFEATS
Pivazistan's Exclusive Coverage

New York, USA: Pivazistan has learned that the syndicated columnist, Thomas Friedman is in the middle of drafting a column for the New York Times in which he will nominate Hassan Nassrallah for a Nobel Prize. The thinking behind the nomination stems from Friedman's belief that Hizbollah's Secretary-General, Sayyid Hassan Nassrallah could have easily burned the bodies of the two Israeli soldiers over whom a war was fought, instead, he kept them "nicely refrigerated" [Friedman's words] and finally "shipped them home."

This is the second time that Thomas Friedman has nominated a Shi'a leader for the Nobel Prize, in 2005 he nominated Ali al-Sistani for the Nobel Prize because according to Friedman, Sistani's advocacy for elections in Iraq made the elderly clergyman a liberal democrat who would abandon his conservative religions beliefs for the sake of a what he called, "Jeffersonian democracy."

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Pivazistan Authors: Aram Roston

New York, USA: Pivazistan's New York correspondent interviewed Mr. Aram Rostom, the author of a new book called, "The Man Who Pushed America to War: The Extraordinary Life, Adventures and Obsessions of Ahmad Chalabi." Below is the transcript of the interview, uncut:

Pivazistan: Mr. Rostom, thank you very much for your time, we're pleased to have you.
Aram Rostom: You bet.
P: I have to tell you, this book of yours is such an amazing work, I mean you wrote the biography of Ahmad Chaabi even though he refused to speak to you or grant you so much as five minutes of his time. Congratulations!
AR: Thanks buddy.
P: Why does Ahmad Chalabi move nerves in US circles?
AR: Well it's simple really, Ahmad Chalabi is an Arab and a Muslim and most Americans, when thinking of Arabs and Muslims, they think of cab drivers and not lobbyists.
P: So basically Americans are upset over the fact that a sand-nigger was able to convince a WASP to go to war?
AR: I wouldn't put it that way, I would say they are upset that a sand-nigger convinced an American to go to war.
P: Okay, sorry an American. Now on to the book itself, I think that this places you among the top of Middle East experts, are you thinking of learning Arabic?
AR: Thank you, it does make me an expert on the Middle East and particularly Iraq, as for learning Arabic, I think I already know enough, "a'salam alayjum" [he giggles]
P: An Arab reviewer of your book told us that you had not used any Arabic sources for the book, what is your response to that?
AR: Well sir, you said it best, "an Arab," I think it's time for Arabs to realize that we know their history much better than them.
P: Sure but there are some who may accuse you of being an Orientalist, not that you are.
AR: What's an "Orientalist?"
P: Never mind. Mr. Rostom, once again thank you for your time and please sign this copy for my boss [it is spelled A like America, S like Sri Lanka, H like Henry VIII, R like Red Sox, A like America and F like France]

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CAIR Demands that Islamophobia Be Considered a Disease

Washington, USA: The Executive Director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, Mr. Nihad Awad has requested, through a letter to the Department of Health and Human Services that Islamophobia be considered a disease. The letter quoted scientific evidence extracted from reports which were prepared in third world countries that Islamophobia is a disease and should be treated as such by the U.S. health sector. Mr. Awad went on to say, "if something stupid like homophobia is considered a disease, then why not Islamophobia, a disease from which millions of Americans suffer?"

Michael Leavitt, Secretary of the DoHHS calmly rejected the request, adding, "as a Mormon, I'll be the first one to tell you that neither Islamophobia nor homophobia are diseases, they are natural reactions to real threats."

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Syrian American Man Joins al-Qaeda After Being Denied a Security Clearance

Chicago, USA: Majid Muhammad Salim, an American taxi driver of Syrian origin has booked his ticket to Peshawar, Pakistan and plans to join al-Qaeda in protest of DoD's declination of his security clearance application which would have allowed him to work as an interprter for the multi national force in Iraq. Pivazistan was able to contact Mr. Salim who said, "the global war on terror is so important to me that I have to be part of it, it doesn't matter which side I am on."

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Iraqi Government to Send a Delegation to Helms' Funeral

Baghdad, Iraq: A spokesperson for the Iraqi government announced earlier this morning that a delegation headed by Ahmad Chalabi will travel to Raleigh, North Carolina to attend the funeral of former US senator Jesse Helms, pending Department of State visa approvals.

Our sources in Baghdad have learned that a list of 120 Iraqis has been submitted to Ryan Crocker's office for visas. The majority of those whose visas are pending have absolutely no idea who Jesse Helms was, but the unbearable Baghdad heat makes it tempting for these people to take a break.

Ahmad Chalabi is considered one of the few people to whom the late Senator from North Carolina, a.k.a., "Senator No" ever said "yes."

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Organization of the Islamic Conference Urges Kosovo to Legalize Polygamy

New York, USA: The Organization of the Islamic Conference which officially recognized Kosovo's independence years before the Kosovars themselves declared or thought of declaring it, is currently reviewing Kosovo's membership application to the organization. The Secretary-General of the OIC, Mr. Ekmeleddin Ihasnoglu, in a letter to the people of Kosovo called for the new republic to "take Islamic measures which would impress us." Mr. Ihsanoglu went on to say, "while we cannot impose anything specific, we urge you to consider legalizing the practice of polygamy."

While Kosovo politicians are realistic enough to know that they have no chance to ever join the European Union, they still filed the letter under "SPAM."

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Saudi Arabia Hires Google Executive as Consultant

Riyadh, KSA: Pivazistan has learned of a secret deal between Turki bin Faisal al-Saud, Saudi Arabia's former Intel. chief and Omid Kordestani, Google's senior VP for Sales and Field Operations. According to our source, Mr. Kordestani will be visiting Saudi Arabia later this year on a leave of absence from google and will begin working with the Saudi royal family on Arab media acquisitions for the kingdom.

Mr. Kordestani, the chic Iranian-born American was picked for the position because Saudi Arabia and google share a core value: any information that is not ours should either become ours or become eternally destroyed.

As has always been google's tradition, Kordestani is expected to use a top to bottom approach in enhancing the Saudi media empire. He plans on starting with making an offer to al-Jazeera and make his way down to the smallest of TV stations and newspapers across the Arabic-speaking world.

Iran, the Saudis' arch rivals in the region have not commented on their native's willingness to work for the enemy, but absentia charges of treason are expected to be pressed by the Iranian government against Kordestani.

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Blog of the Week

The blog of the week award goes to:

Blog: The Angry Arab News Service
Blogger: As'ad Abukhalil
Country: USA
URL: http://www.sandmonkey.org/

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Obama to Appoint Marc Lynch to Iraq Ambassador

Washington, USA: US Presidential candidate Barack Obama announced yetserday that he would appoint Marc Lynch as ambassador to Iraq if he was elected President. Marc Lynch, the self-proclaimed Middle Eastern expert is an Obama supporter because he feels guilty that he is an affluent white man living in a country that has done so much wrong to black Americans.

Lynch told his readers in a recent blog entry that he thinks of himself as a latter-day Lawrence of Arabia, a statement that apparently touched Obama to the point where he immediately declared, "I wanna meet this orientalist."

Upon hearing the news that he would become ambassador to Iraq in an Obama administration, Lynch announced that he would convert to Islam (to impress his boss-to-be) and plans to change his blog title from Abu Aarvark to Abu Kharoof. Lynch also plans to learn Arabic as he is mindful that stating that one speaks Arabic is not the same as actually speaking it.

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Iran Threatens to Nuke Nigeria

Tehran, Iran: Gholam Hussein Ilham, the official spokesperson of the Iranian government said that the Iranian government had had enough of Obama's threats and vowed to nuke Nigeria, what he called, "Obama's country of origin."

This came a response to Obama's constant striving to tell the American public that he is not the pussy the whole country thinks he is.

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Muqtada al-Sadr Endorses Obama

Baghdad, Iraq: The Shi'a militant leader, Muqtada al-Sadr through a phone conversation with Pivazistan from his undisclosed location said that he supports what we assume he meant Obama for the US Presidential race. "I endorse the black one," said the radical clergyman.

Obama's foreign policy advisers were initially thrilled by the endorsement as they thought it was Nuri al-Maliki who had endorsed him, but when they realized that it wasn't al-Maliki, they "categorically" rejected the endorsement, stating, "we accepted it thinking it was Prime Minister Maliki, all these Arab names sound so fucking alike, it's not even funny."

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Muslim Woman Who Was Refused a Seat Behind Obama Says, "Fuck Him"

Detroit, USA: In a shocking turn of events, the originally Muslim presidential nominee, Barrack Obama refused to allow a Muslim woman, Hebba Aref to appear behind him and infront of the cameras at a Detroit rally because she was wearing a head scarf. Pivazistan spoke to Ms. Aref who seemed careless about the event and said that she would vote for John McCain instead. When our Detroit correspondent tried to reason with Ms. Aref by telling her that Mr. Obama himself may have no knowledge of the incident, she said, "fuck him anyway."

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Olmert to Obama, "Stay Out of This"

Jerusalem, Israel: As Barrack Obama, the 2008 Presidential nominee gets more and more involved in Middle Eastern affairs, many here feel like the young politician should slow down. Among those is the Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert who told Pivazistan that he thinks "Obama should simply stay out of the Middle East," adding "it's too much for him."

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Egyptian Finance Minister Falls for 419 Scam

Cairo, Egypt: The Egyptian finance minister, Youssef Boutros Ghali was chatting with some buddies through Yahoo Messenger when he saw an email pop up, "at the start, it seemed too good to be true," said the minister in a soft voice. The content of the email was an offer for the already wealthy minister to become wealthier through assisting the son of a Nigerian diplomat who wanted millions of his cash transferred to an Egyptian bank.

As months went by, the minister's helping hand was met with disappointment and deception. "How was I supposed to know it's a scam?" Asked Mr. Ghali.

In a related development, Mr. Ghali has withdrawn his endorsement for Barrack Obama.

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Boston Resident Arrested for Celebratory Fire

New York, USA: An Iraqi American man was arrested last night by the Boston Police Department following game six of the NBA finals between the Boston Celtics and the L.A. Lakers. Police said that Jabbar al-Haidari fired 12 bullets into the air in celebration of the Celtics' victory. Pivazistan's New York correspondent was able to get in touch with al-Haidari's family by phone who seemed angry at the arrest, saying "these people need to know the difference between celebratory fire and real fire." Elaine Driscoll, a spokesperson for the Boston Police Department, in an email to Pivazistan said, "if you wanna do these types of things, not for nothing but you should get the fuck our of this country."

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